When I Needed Some Darkness

Man: So, this is the end of the world?
God: Yeah.
Man: It's boring.
God: It would be.
Man: I thought it would be more interesting than this. You know, hail, brimstone, at least some fire or some fucking demons.
God: Why would I subject you to something you could have easily experienced? And watch your language.

-Astoria Alms

You have to wonder sometimes, don't you? Why we were made the way we were, what makes us wholly ourselves. I don't know, I've come to believe we are a collection of everything that came before us, and we carry around our mountains of the past and with that we go through life either building a higher top on the mountain or demolishing it.

It's not existence, though, that troubles me. At least not the kind experienced collectively. Superficially, we have the everyday events that we take part of, the going out for a walk, the eating dinner, the listening to music, but beneath that is what we were hoping to find when we stopped walking, what we felt when we took the first bite, and what that song we were listening to reminded us of. Indeed, there is an Everything in everything that I fail to grasp most of the time, the complete picture that seems to elude me and that only sometimes gives me a clue of what is actually going on.

Suddenly a silence isn't just a silence but rather the hum of two people trying to communicate their feelings, and the sigh isn't a sigh but rather an indication of the tension felt within the lungs. And that's when you realize that life has so many goddamn complications you could never really figure anything out. Its frustrating to realize that as long as you like you may never really figure out anything. At all. You will never really know anything.

Yeah. I'm kinda tired, but its mostly because I've been having so many nightmares lately it's ridiculous. And that's what I meant by not just everyday existence. In my dreams I have... actually more control than in real life, and yet I don't find it any more satisfying. To be able to wake up is a luxury we are not offered from real life is the real reason life becomes a mountain to carry. You're stuck in whatever reality you have created and that's basically the truth of it. And I want to try to be optimistic about things, I really do, but honestly, I don't care enough to be. I'll be realistic about it.

You're either happy or you're sad, or some lovely little variation of it, and whichever you are, you sure as Betsy can guarantee that you will be the other in a few months, days, hours or even the next second.