When I Was Thinking of Them

I have nothing but an endless stream of words that leaves me breathing in so deeply as to grasp the full extent of their meaning. It is beauty and chaos, it is killing me but allowing me to truly live.

To philosophize is to die. That I truly believe, though my pondering has merely left me short of air, and feeling dizzy. How strange is it though, to not be able to control my bodies reaction to certain thoughts. Oh man, in all his foolish behavior believing he is master of the universe, and yet cannot truly control the eruption of a sneeze, the subtlety of a sigh, or the threatening watering of the eyes. I have learned never to claim that I have control over my body because honestly, I feel my body belongs to no one in particular, not even myself.

Perhaps it belongs more to others. I know that my mind is my own, for that is the only entity that I can truly embrace through reason. As for my heart, experience has shown that it is in the wind, in the rain, in the earth, in fire, and yet never truly in my body. It wanders around as lonely as a cloud, and occasionally settles itself on my chest, constricting any kind of movement, except for those which it wishes to pursue.

And thus, at this moment, on its own volition my foot is tapping away, constantly restless, constantly in search for a place to run. My heart is racing, for no one and someone in particular because although they may be a thousand miles away, my heart is there, in that warm and friendly (polluted) sky, waiting for a reunion with my body.

Although at the same time, a part of my heart was left in DC with Eric, and a part was torn away for the few minutes that I was in Philadelphia. That was truly astonishing though, how I felt a part of me racing towards my love, using my eyes to scan the area, searching for the boy who holds an incredibly special piece of my heart and soul.

Sigh. Involuntary or not, those sighs are signs that my heart is restlessly pacing back and forth. For whom? For them.

When I Missed A Feeling Forgotten (His Arms)

I'm up at 2:44 am on the day of my first college class. I'm supposed to be at The Moral Essay (english class) at 8:30 in the morning, ready for something... ready to learn, i guess.

Right now though, I feel like I'm clinging to something that feels about to be torn away from me. I am holding on to that image of me sitting at the planter, with all my friends, and with people who at some point were friends.

I can see it so vividly it feels as if it were a film on pause. Everyone, in my heart and mind, is stuck in that one moment. Actually, more accurately... I am stuck in that moment. I am trapped, so willingly, in that image that I wish could recreate itself.

I truly wish I could say that I am in love with college. For longer than I can remember, people have told me that I belonged in college, because high school was not the place for me. I was older, more mature, than the rest of my fellow high schoolers, and that was probably true. I am an old soul, I share something that links me to antiquities, but that also pulls me towards a new epoch in life.

But I don't feel that way. I miss my friends, I miss my home, I miss so much that it feels impossible that I would be able to let it all go and become something new. I know I am changing, and I can feel it. Thus the image fades. And as time goes on, the faces will become more and more blurry... the smiles will be less clear, the voices will not ring, and the colors will become a dull black and white.

The truth is that I miss everyone. Everyone. I miss the people I loved seeing and I miss the people I dreaded seeing. I miss so many moments. I miss Leslie jumping into my arms. I miss hugging James. I miss singing with Anna. God, I miss those things so badly. And they won't be there forever. Right? They will fade. Those feelings will fade because if anything, emotions are based in impermanence. I will no longer miss these things at some point... and that scares me so much. I will have changed more than I thought possible because the people who matter most to me in the world now will cease to be freshly burned into my mind.

I'm so scared that that will happen. I don't want it to. I don't want to ever stop missing Eric's smile or Abby's jokes or Jamie's judging, Tay's sarcasm, Azia's dead pan humor, Spencer's red hair. I don't want to stop missing those things because then I won't be me.

Thus I am caught at an impasse. To be happy, I must forego this constant ache that reminds me that I miss someone... but when that ache is gone I will no longer be happy that I have/had such wonderful people in my life.

And this is me. The college student. At 3 in the morning... hoping that she's in constant heartache. But at the same time laughing with her new friends.

I'm a myriad of things that don't seem to make sense... and I miss the people that know that about me.